Listening to Silence

Everyday.

Everyday I get a little closer to understanding myself and, simultaneously, instantly farther away. 

Recently, you’ve given me some things to think about and they have all led to more questions. Funny how all the questions seem to have the same answer - I don’t know I’ve never been in that situation. I haven’t been in so many situations that seem so normal. Of course everyone wants to experience new things, but I don’t feel like I’m in any rush. Or am I? He’ll be worth it.

All I can think about is that day.

jump jump nausea

already? birthday?

jump jump 

not today

nausea nausea 

jump jump 

balloons run

run

run

run

stuck.

beginning.

Blahbidy blah blah.

Why I spend so much time thinking about things that don’t matter? Because if I didn’t have pointless things to think about, I’d have to think about the big stuff, the life changing stuff. Every time I sweat the small stuff, I’m simply procrastinating.

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I don’t want to be sick.

Recently, I’ve been having some heart pains. This past summer my dad was in the hospital for a week with a corroded artery and is still trying to regulate his blood pressure, cholesterol, and salt levels. He is very limited on what he can eat. When I told my mom about my heart pains, she suggested I go on the same diet he is on. Let me tell you, it’s nearly impossible to follow. No sugar, no salt, no acid, only lean meats. This basically rules out everything up to and including some baby foods. At first I didn’t think it was serious, but now trying to be on this diet and the pains continually getting worse, I’m starting to get nervous. Both sides of my family have many and varied heart problems, not uncommon for America today. I’m in college and I feel like I can’t live. My world practically revolves around food. I don’t want to be sick.

I like you.

But I have no idea why. We haven’t even been able to hold a real conversation.